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Recovery

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I don't know what to do.
Recovery..
I feel I've been using this word as an excuse to just gain in weight.
'Oh it's okay I'm recovering'

The sentence I tell myself is okay when I eat something. I forget to tell myself this on so many occasions which is why I'm so upset with myself now. I had tears streaming down my face from the first few sentences.

I tried to start again the other day, it seems since 5 years ago..bulimia has been fully installed. I've no way out of it.


Tonight I want to cut, and I haven't for so very long..probably nearly eight months and I think this is all about to change.
All because of a few choice words from a friend tonight.
I don't know what to do,

So many of my friends are going through hard times right now and all I want to do is be there for them
I wrote this

I think everyone questions,
and wonders about life
And people go through hard times
That moment comes when you realise
Someone needs you more than you need them
And you help,
Because they would do the same for you.

I feel this way about all my friends, and I'd rather sink than let them feel this tidal wave. I will do anything to stop them feeling it. I do not know what to do anymore, and I wish I wasn't me.
Tags:
* * *
Its been a while since I've updated my journal,

I gave in and something which I thought would be the hardest thing in my life to start again was like going home.

It makes me feel safe, normal and comforted. It makes me feel paranoid, low and anti-social. Its the best of me and yet the worst.

I've been told I need to give up. I've been told its bad for me. I tell myself tomorrow, next week, when I diet. I lie to myself to keep it going, but in the midst of this lie is the truth.

I would like to transport myself not to different age but to a different body type and a different mind. I would like to forget my past and every mistake I have ever made. Except, I can not forget and everything I feel bad about is brought up and I am told 'why do you do this', 'every night out for you seems to have a bad story', 'you have no good nights out'.

They believe I am this person I'd like to forget, how can I forget the person I am, who I've become and who I am constantly reminded of.

I want a new life, a different life, I want to change and erase the last five years of my life, I want to go back to when I was strong and a better person.
* * *
How many times will it take for me to get it right?
these lyrics speak to me

i failed
im falling
im still typing on a on screen keyboard as mine is broke

i just want to be told everything is gonna be alright
and i want to be able to believe it

* * *
Recovery is still going well..
And each day I feel like I'm progressing more,

Unfortunately, this evening is difficult.

I had a great day, but tonight I'm feeling down, paranoid and generally a bit rubbish.

On the other hand, I feel ready to be able to join the gym tomorrow without taking things to extremes..
I'll update on that tomorrow.

* * *
 After a conversation with my friend, I have come to realise everything I have learnt the past few months,
How I have grown and developed, and how I have left my eating disorder (hopefully) in the past.

I know longer worry constantly about what other people are thinking of me, I have come to realise there will always be people 'thinking' things, but I can't do anything about it so why worry.

Not everything is my fault, if someone is upset/angry, it does not necessarily mean that I had something to do with it, even if I did have something to do with it .. I may not have been in the wrong.

I never realised how self-absorbed I was throughout the past 5 years, 
I thought that because I kept it to myself and didn't talk about it that people didn't know it was happening..how very wrong I was.

I struggle with memories, I have them everywhere I go. 
Things that I have done or said in the past are always coming back to haunt me.  Again I can take positives from this 
Only these memories  can help me remember what I've left behind,
How desperate and deceptive I was..it is all in the past,
I use these memories to show me how much my friends and family had to put up with.

I cannot change my past, but I have control of my future, for this I am grateful for the second chance
* * *
* * *
I feel like I'm sinking,
And I keep wondering..
Where the fuck have I placed my armbands?
I'm not ready to swim yet.

I'm just so very tired.
And its really hard at the moment.

I binged hideously last night,
I didn't purge last night so that's a step up I guess..
But I can't keep that up otherwise I'm going to get enormous.

- On that note,
This new tv program Heavy is really interesting,
If you get a chance to watch it you should

That's it for now
I'll update later
xx

* * *
 I told my Dad.  
It was the hardest thing I've ever done, I had to make him close his eyes..and the words kept getting stuck in my throat.
But its out now, perhaps I can finally get away from bulimia.
He said to me one day in a few years we will look back on this moment and say "yeah..I did it."  I want that day, now please.

These lyrics keep speaking to me..

'It's going to take a long time to love,
It's going to take a lot to hold on,
It's going to be a long long way too happy.'

Tomorrow, and I know I shouldn't, but I want to fast.
It's the first time in a long time that I don't have any important essays in, I have a few weeks so I can take my time over work and therefore it doesn't matter if my energy levels aren't as high as normal.

I've noticed, as have my friends, I'm returning back to my normal self,
They are really happy, that I am happy.
But, there's that voice, that keeps telling me that I don't want to be happy if it means being happy with who I am.

Secret..
I still hate myself.

I don't know how to stop that.
* * *
 Its 12:46am
Beginning to wander if I will ever sleep?

I'm on 2,100 words of my 2000 word essay..and I believe it is pretty rubbish which is kinda upsetting.
I want to go to sleep and be able to switch off my thoughts but I can't..gr

Being back on my bandwagon is going surprisingly well,
I haven't really had time to do it anyway so I suppose that's helped quite a bit.

I'm working up the courage to tell my Dad this weekend,
I've rehearsed the conversation over and over..it still sounds foreign in my mouth.

Stupid caffeine keeping me awake..
Sigh.

Oh well..

Hope everyone is doing okay x

* * *
 Its 4:23 am..
And I'm still awake,

Far too much caffeine I guess..so I'm attempting to catch up on some lectures.

The first guy I ever slept with (a year and a half ago) has messaged me on facebook..
I haven't spoken to him since then so it's really odd.
We had a nice chat then he invited me over for a 'drink'.  
I said no - I really don't want to be a bootycall.
Plus the fact that I really am so embarrassed about my body/scars.

Anyway he took my number..continued texting me and rang me (which I ignored) now pretending I'm asleep.
I'll text him in the morning and tell him I missed his call blah blah was asleep..etc
I mean if he wants to meet up and get a drink in normal hours I don't mind, in fact it would be nice, but I really don't want to be a bootycall lol.

Hmm that's about it to be honest,
I'm gonna do an hour or so more work, maybe go for a run, go get some energy drink to keep me awake the rest of the day..
Then hopefully I'll be tired enough to sleep tonight!
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